Charley Githler

Charley Githler 

In a stunning revelation, the Center for Disease Control announced today that using e-cigarettes may be worse for your lungs than breathing air.

“It’s way too early to tell,” said spokesperson Alexandra Formaggio, “but some researchers hypothesize that inhaling vaporized chemicals could be un-good for you. Even possibly bad.”

The general medical community has adopted a wait-and-see position.

Also in health news, the United States has lost its ‘measles elimination’ status as the number of cases of the disease continues to rise.

“I’m as shocked as anyone,” said Surgeon General Jerome Adams. “This really came out of nowhere.”

When asked if the anti-vaccination movement was in any way related to this development, B-list actress and renowned medical expert Jessica Biel said, “no.”

In the wake of the El Paso and Dayton shootings, the U.S. Senate has moved swiftly to do nothing. Reached at his luxury condominium at NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia, spokesperson and senator Mitch McConnell recited, “guns don’t kill, people do; guns make us safer; gun laws don’t work; and the 2nd Amendment specifically guarantees the right of citizens to own assault rifles.” Expect story updates as more nothing is done.

After almost ten weeks of investigation into the dealings of disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein, a joint task force of local, state and federal law enforcement officials revealed that while there were hundreds of people who “barely knew” Epstein, there were no close friends or associates. The conclusion was described as “totally unexpected.”

In business news, economist John Maynard Cornstarch issued a statement today in which he suggests that slapping a 15 percent tariff on the imports from America’s largest trading partner might make those products more expensive. This represents a surprise reversal of his previous position, in which he maintained that the said trading partner would pay for the whole cost of the tariffs. In a related story on the escalating trade war, Iowa soybean farmer Elmer Flanksteak is quoted as saying something almost completely unintelligible except for the words “son of a bitch.”

More bad climate news: Arctic sea ice is melting at triple the rate predicted by scientists just last week. In a completely unrelated story, the Florida Keys disappeared late last night and are unlikely to return.

Yesterday, Denmark confirmed that it is officially declining to accept President Trump’s offer to buy an 836,000 square mile chunk of its sovereign territory. The offer has been characterized by the White House as “not a hare-brained scheme,” and Denmark’s response as “unexpected” and “unduly harsh.” In a related story, Ithaca, New York mayor Svante Myrick offered to buy Taughannock Falls from neighboring community Trumansburg. There’s been no formal response at this time.

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