Charley Githler

Charley Githler 

Scene: The offices of Ithaca Real Estate Associates. An attractive but nervous couple, HARRY and MEGHAN, mid-30s, is meeting with realtor PHYLLIS DUNPHY. They’ve decided to relocate to Ithaca, New York....​

DUNPHY: It’s nice to meet you both, Mr. and Mrs....Sussex, is it?​

HARRY: (they both look at each other) I guess, yes, that works.​

DUNPHY: Now, you said in your message that you wanted to scale down. Just so we’re on the same page, what are we downsizing from?​

HARRY: Well, the palace has 775 rooms...​

MEGHAN: I think she might mean the cottage at Frogmore, Honey. It’s got ten bedrooms, a nursery, some sitting rooms...​

HARRY: Two orangeries...​

DUNPHY: Wow! Do you have a listing agent? I could...​

HARRY: Actually, we’re keeping that house. We’re sort of looking for a second residence.​

DUNPHY: How interesting! I guess we should talk finances then, before we go further. What’s your monthly expense on that house?​

MEGHAN: $35,000 dollars.​

DUNPHY: (she’s drinking coffee and does a violent spit-take) A month?​

HARRY: Quite reasonable, I’m told.​

DUNPHY: I see...I hope you don’t mind my your incomes justify a second home?​

HARRY: This is a bit embarrassing. You see, neither of us is gainfully employed at the moment.​

(a long, awkward pause follows)​

MEGHAN: I was on television once. And Harry here, he’s retired military. What with the baby and everything, we haven’t really had time to look for jobs.​


MEGHAN: Do you think we could see some of your high-end properties?​

DUNPHY: (sighing) Sure. Why not. (brings up photo of a large house on the shore of Cayuga Lake) Here’s a nice four-bedroom, four bath, mid-century trilevel on a one-acre lot listed at 2.1 million. With no income, though...​

HARRY: Four bedrooms?​

DUNPHY: Isn’t it just the three of you?​

HARRY: Are there outbuildings for the servants? And where’s the moat?​

DUNPHY: Er...I...I think there’s a small shed...​

MEGHAN: Harry, we’ve talked about this. We don’t have moats in America.​

HARRY: No moat? I say, whatever will the Master of Moats do, then? And is our Groom of the Stool supposed to live in a shed? And the Lords-in-Waiting? By Jove, Meghan. Had I but known!​

MEGHAN: Sweetheart, remember what we agreed? “Senior royal” is a chump’s game?​

HARRY: Grand-mum can’t last forever. Maybe if we said it was all a joke. I mean...​

DUNPHY: (folding up her laptop) Folks, I have a showing in half an hour. It’s been really great meeting you. I hope you don’t mind showing yourselves out...​


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