With gunplay now commonplace on the streets of Ithaca and new police officers harder to recruit than deputies in Hadleyville at high noon, there are ominous rumblings out there about trammeling our Second Amendment rights.
The following is provided in hopes of providing the most accurate and up-to-date info to the well-regulated militia…
Q: I understand President Biden is coming to my home to take my guns away. When can I expect him? I want to be ready to resist.
A: He’s scheduled to arrive in Tompkins County for home gun removal the weekend of August 14-15, though he’s running a little behind schedule. There are more guns than people in the United States. In fact, we have more guns than the next 25 countries combined, so it’s a pretty big job for one man! Stand back and stand by.
Q: I am a collector of weapons-grade fissile materials, mostly uranium. Doesn’t the Second Amendment protect me?
A: Of course it does, silly.Until recently, acquiring new weapons-grade material required a background check and a 72-hour waiting period. A recent Supreme Court case (Three Percenters v. Cornstarch) made it clear, though, that law-abiding citizens or anyone at all in Texas have the fundamental right to own any type of weapon for home use.
Q: Does that mean I can keep my 88mm Howitzer Cannon and shells? It was a gift from my Grandpappy.
A: Indeed you can. The Supreme Court has recognized that the Second Amendment applies to individuals. You’re in the clear. Justices Kavanaugh and Barrett were specifically vetted to keep your home safe from harm.
Q: Explain to me why I can bring an M249 light machine gun with tripod and ammunition belts into a movie theater in Honduras, but not in the United States of America. Has the Second Amendment been completely gutted? Do we now live in a totalitarian police state?
A: That’s exactly what’s happened. The fact is that the People’s Right to Bear Arms is accorded greater respect in Honduras, Texas and the Democratic Republic of Congo than it is here — thanks to Biden, Cuomo, Myrick and their cabal of gun-haters.
Q: I saw a new Reinhard Heydrich Commemorative Luger (and matching duffle bag of 9mm ammunition) at a gun show for $2,600. There was some talk of something called a “background check,” and I’m concerned that my history of mental illness and extensive felony record may make it difficult to take advantage of this rare bargain. Should I be concerned?
A: Rest easy, the NRA has top people working on a whole new set of loopholes to circumvent any restrictions. Now that the bankruptcy kerfuffle is behind them, they’re on the job again. Check back in maybe a month.
Q: Speaking of the NRA, I’ve been following the bill proposed last year by NRA-sponsored senators to replace Ben Franklin with Hiram Maxim, inventor of the machine gun, on the hundred-dollar bill. Will the recent elections affect that?
A: That still looks likely to take effect early next year as planned. Senator Joe Manchin will see to it that there are no snags.
Q: I’ve seen and heard President Biden compared to Hitler, and also to Stalin. Which is it? I don’t want to be wrong.
A: According to a recent study on this very question by the Smith & Wesson Heritage Foundation, the correct answer is Hitler.
Q: For as long as I can remember in our house, Christmas has meant stockings loaded with 30-round ammunition magazines, cute little revolvers, shiny new assault rifles, and, one very special year, a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. If the gun-haters have their way, what’s Santa going to use for stocking-stuffers in the future?
A: At least at the federal level, Santa Claus has been specifically exempted from gun-control legislation (including executive orders). The Naughty List, however, might one day be used for background checks in the future. Those people also hate Christmas, as you know.
Q: I get that some people feel that assault rifles aren’t necessary for ordinary people to have, but isn’t this a slippery slope? If it’s assault rifles today, what’s next? Common handguns?
A: A very slippery slope, indeed. A recently-intercepted memo from President Biden to Gov. Cuomo has confirmed that the gun control conspirators will not be satisfied until it’s illegal to point at someone with your index finger and say “bang,” “gotcha” or “pow.”