Your Highness, the only way you’re going to get out in front of this Epstein thing is to meet it head-on. Publicly. I’ll set the whole thing up. A nationwide television interview on BBC Newsnight, and, Bob’s your Uncle, the whole thing’s over and done with. Explain that the photo’s a fake, and you don’t remember anything. Your subjects love you. What could go wrong?

***

Let’s look at the charges against you… conspiracy, bribery, fraud… Oh, yes, money laundering.  What are you worried about? You’re at least a B-list actress! It’s not like you’ll ever do any time. Let them try to prove it! You were just trying to get your kid into college, like any mom. I say plead not guilty to everything. What’s the worst that could happen?

***

How do we even know e-cigarettes are bad for you, Mr. Commissioner? What’s the public going to say if the Food and Drug Administration just goes around regulating every new product before we know anything about it? Besides, it’s mostly just water vapor. Maybe some chemicals. It’s got to be better than smoking actual cigarettes. Let’s let them sell the things for a while and see how it all plays out.

***

All my instincts tell me that this is the future. Shared workspaces for tech startups. It’s so obvious! It’s got to be worth tens of billions! Listen to this: “streamline your sourcing, design, build and operational needs.” I’m positive that means something. Invest everything you have in WeWork. Now, before it’s too late!

***

General Secretary, the protesters in Hong Kong have been at it for nearly a week. Let’s crack down hard, old school style. The disturbance will be behind us in a matter of hours. What? Is the rest of the world going to object? It’s fool-proof.

***

The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation memo to Cayuga Inlet Dredging Project: There appears to be no urgency dredging the flood control channel. Our research indicates no proof that 37 years of accumulated sediment would impair the channel’s capacity. Furthermore, in any given year, there is only a 1 in 100 chance of a flood that would inundate large areas of a city built on a floodplain, causing tens of millions of dollars in damage. Based on probabilities calculated in 1973, that is. Status: low priority.

***

Congressman, the surest way for you to build a reputation for probity and patriotism is to disparage a decorated combat veteran while he’s testifying on national television before the House Intelligence Committee, especially if he’s in uniform. Call him “mister” instead of by his rank. Call his truthfulness into question. Cast aspersions on his loyalty to the United States. People love it when you stand up to a hero and it will never come back to bite you in the rear end.

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